Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge