Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
You Might Also Like
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Always a metermaid never a meter
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind