When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
meanwhile over on facebook
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
SCARY COSTUME
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius