me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Monday
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
how to exercise your calf muscles
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun