“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
me, too, girl. me, too.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.