*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Jurassic park gets weird
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.