If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?