Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
road rage
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”