him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.