How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You Might Also Like
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.