[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”