please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”