Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg