How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.