Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.