Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.