[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Just a phase…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.