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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.