Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
eggs benadryl
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?