I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly