How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.