It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My life in a nutshell
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis