in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Yup
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
S O O N
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog