I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Lol.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
This squirrel eats better than I do
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*