Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG