LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You Might Also Like
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I have questions??
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.