i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I missed you with all my darts
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.