A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My dad teaching me to drive
Yup
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.