Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“How’s your day going?”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
whenever i wake up before my alarm
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.