152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*