Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
You Might Also Like
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.