I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.