Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
You Might Also Like
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.