When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.