There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?