if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
You Might Also Like
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now