7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!