I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
This is my favorite one of these!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Somebody’s lying.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.