How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”