My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second