Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
my retirement plan is braless
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me