Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards