why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Meow
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*