Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.