HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
These are too funny not to post 😂
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time