My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
You Might Also Like
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.