Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
waiting for halloween be like:
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing