Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in