we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Holy moly
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
just witnessed a drug deal
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?