Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
he chose this
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?